I went down to the Seed Chamber to make a difference. When I got there, the first thing I saw was Rupert Giles, eyes open, neck snapped, dead, on the ground. Twilight or Angel, or whatever, was shaking.

“Buffy? What happened? Did we win?”

But I didn’t make any difference at all.

My name is Xander Harris and I’ve watched a lot of people die. Jesse. Tara. Anya. Renee. Giles. But that’s what I do.

Watch.

And watch. And watch.

It builds in you. Hides in you. Becomes a part of you.

“What? What happened to Giles?”

You don’t even know it’s there.

Until it finally makes you do something beside watch. So I punched him. After all those years, all the moments. I punched him and even as I did, he still tried to talk, the bastard.

“You killed him!”

“It…”

Punch.

“Wasn’t…”

Punch.

“Me!”

Punch.

Punch. For luck.

“You always had an excuse.” I looked around and I saw it. On the ground, alone, like it was calling to me, now that it was broken. Typical. “Guess what? I don’t care.”

I picked it up, the Scythe, broken blade cast aside, the vital wooden stake I needed raised above the demon’s chest. And then she grabs my wrist. And I look at her, tears filling her eyes. Buffy.

“No.”

“HE KILLED GILES!”

“Yes, Xander, but this isn’t…”

“ME? THAT’S THE POINT!”

“Please. I can’t lose anybody else. I can’t lose you.”

“I have to do something, so I don’t feel so…”

“Useless?”

Useless. That’s exactly how I feel now. Times a googolplex. Dawn‘s lying on the bed, hooked up to monitors, skin white, like a ghost. And there’s nothing I can do.

Buffy’s pacing, walking across the room, talking to me, she thinks, but I really couldn’t care less right now.

“Faith’s currently occupied. And self-centred… Kennedy’s girls wouldn’t know magic if it turned them into a centaur. Spike’s…. who knows where Spike and his merry band of bugs went. Koh and Illyria snuck off to look for the Council… and the Council… well, they already think I’m cleaning up their mess!”

She turns, looks between me and Andrew, expecting something other than contempt from me right now. “So I guess that leaves us.”

I ignore her.

“Xander, whatever blame you’ve pinned on me, unpin it. For Dawn. Because the only way we’re going to fix this is together.”

I turn to Andrew, who sighs when he hears my voice, annoyed. “Tell Buffy I walked away from all things that start with ‘super’ and end with ‘natural’. So how am I going to help?”

“Buffy, Xander wanted me to…”

“Is he really going to make you repeat everthing?”

“Are you really going to make me repeat everything?”

“I don’t care what you do, Andrew.”

“He doesn’t care…”

“Andrew, tell Xander that just because he doesn’t have the answer doesn’t mean I don’t need him. He may think this is my fault. And maybe it is. But if I don’t fix it because he doesn’t have my back, he’s just as much to blame.”

I don’t even look at her.

In fact, I walk out of the room, down the stairs, out the front door and into the quiet street outside.

I walked away from the big bad world of Slaying. And I did it for Dawn. So we could have a shot at a normal life.

And that makes me the least equipped to save her.

It’s like the Seed Chamber all over again. Just like with everybody before that. There’s only one thing I can do.

Watch.

I go home. Sit on the couch, stare at a picture of Dawn and Buffy, with their mom, taken when they first moved to town. Dawn looks like she’s being erased from the photo.

“What the?”

As the room swirls, a bright light appears. I try to steady my eyes, but everything goes topsy turvy for a second, until then, suddenly, it’s not. Now, I’m elsewhere, somewhere dank and dark.

Because that always ends well.

“Sorry for the bumpy landing. I’m still figuring out the bells and whistles.” I blink my eyes a few times, trying to adjust to the darkness, but then I hear a voice, a voice that’s familiar.

Severin. And with him, quelle surprise, Simone Doffler. Rogue Slayer. Pain in our collective butts.

“I know how to use mine,” she says, holding a gun up. So original. “So don’t try anything stupid.”

“You’re here because you and I aren’t that different.” Severin looks me up and down. I’m more than a little disturbed. Simone nudges him as she sees the anger in my body language, although it must be written all over my face.

“When did you get so angry? I like it!”

Severin interrupts her. He wants something. He’s obvious. Bad super-villain!

“You’re about to lose your girlfriend, huh? I already lost mine.”

“You’re that vacuum-cleaner guy who tried to steal Buffy’s powers. When did you start singing backup for Ziggy Stardust?” Although I diss the hair, even I have to admit the blue is kinda cool. I pretend it’s not.

“This isn’t for me. This is for Clare. If my girlfriend hadn’t turned zompire, she’d still be around.”

Why does this involve me? “I don’t understand what this has to do with me.”

Simone answers my question. “You both lost someone. And you can both blame it on one person.”

“Buffy.”

“Oh, is that him?”

Buffy is on the roof-top. She looks out, worry etched on her face, looking out at the city around her, when Andrew interrupts again. “No. Wait. That’s a trash bag. Don’t worry. Xander will show.”

“I don’t have time to worry about what’s happening to him. Andrew, I kind of come up here to be…”

“Alone? Not the first time I’ve heard that.” He walks over to her, places his hand on her shoulder, reassuringly. “Buffy, no matter what Xander thinks, you’re going to save your sister.”

“Thanks, Andrew.” With that, Andrew walks inside. When he’s out of earshot however, Buffy doesn’t think he’s very helpful.

“Be nice to hear that from someone I trust.”

“Like me?”

And she’s there. As if she’s never been away.

Willow Rosenberg, looking mighty, decked in a mighty fine silk robe. And the Slayer Scythe is in her hand. Gleaming and whole.

“And since I left without properly saying goodbye, I brought a peace offering – ironically in the form of an extremely lethal weapon.”

Buffy looks at her, unwilling to believe for a moment. Then she notices the red metal of the new blade. She mentions the upgrade. “You want me to take it back?” Willow jokes.

“No. Don’t take anything back. You have no idea how badly I missed you and how much I need you, right now.”

“What’s wrong?”

“It’s Dawn. She’s fading and… where have you been?”

Willow doesn’t answer. She frowns at her friend’s face, taking in Buffy’s features. She looks tired. She has a scar over on her forehead. She looks like she’s been fighting in a war. Willow asks her what happened.

“The scar? Kennedy. Wolfram and Hart. Koh’s magic blade. It’s not important.”

“Hang on. It makes you look worried.” A quick wave of her hand, and the scar vanishes.

“Hey, thanks.” It takes Buffy a second to work out what just happened. Then a lightbulb moment: “Willow… You have magic!”

Willow smiles. “It’s limited and I’m still figuring out how to control it here, but yeah, I’m back in the game.”

“I thought Xander was right, I didn’t think we’d be able to save Dawn. But with you here we can. All of us. Together.”

“You’re losing her, Harris.” Simone snaps at me, tries to tear the picture of Dawn from my hand. “This is just a picture. What are you going to do when this disappearing act starts happening to her?”

“Stop it.”

“Xander, I can undo it.” It’s Severin’s turn, it seems, to sell me on their plan now, whatever it is. But he sounds like he knows how I feel. There’s something in his voice. He’s lost someone he loved, after all.

“How?”

“You think I want to look like a Smurf? Thanks to Illyria, formerly the Merciless, I can fold back time. But going back to undo things that have already occurred, without tearing apart the universe, requires a lot of power.”

Simone pips up, interrupting. Severin doesn’t look amused. Man, these two will rip each other apart. “And, believe it or not, we need you to help us get it.”

“You want to rewind the clock and keep your girlfriend from turning into the social undead? I’m not going to stop you.”

“It’s not that simple. Something tells me she’s still going to want to be a vampire. I need to think bigger.”

“You’re going to stop Buffy smashing the Seed?”

“You really want a demon-filled Apocalypse? Because I don’t. No, Buffy needed to destroy the Seed. I need to stop Twilight from ever happening.”

So that’s the big plan? Stop Twilight by going back in time. Okay, I get the Vulcan logic but does that mean he’s going to kill Buffy? He shakes his head and tells me no.

But I can’t trust him? Right?

“I’m okay with the bad guy label.” Simone. God, she’s such a drama queen.

“There are other ways to stop Buffy from birthing a new universe.” He talks plainly, allowing his words to sink in. He’s really thought this through.

“I was all for killing her.” Another violent quip from Ms. Kills-A-Lot!

“We just need to stop Twilight.”

Simone comes toward me, trying to gauge if I’m interested or not. “And to make Severin’s etch-a-sketch a reality, all you need to do is steal a book for us. Big. Heavy. Starts with a ‘V’, ends with an ‘R’.”

“The book Giles left Buffy.”

I balk at the idea, turn away from them both. Start subconsciously looking for an exit to wherever they’ve brought me. “Look, despite the eye patch which I admit gives me tons of villain cred, I’m not going to betray Buffy. Giles left her that book for a reason and it wasn’t so you could start a book club.”

“Xander, everyone gets what they want. You. Me. Dawn. Even Buffy.”

“What exactly do you get?” I yell, pointing at Simone, who looks like she’s trigger happy even here and now.

“I get another shot at trying to make the great Slayer dream come true.”

“You mean nightmare.”

Severin interrupts me. “If this works, and it will, Buffy will never even know you helped us. You won’t even know you helped us. You’ll just get to be with Dawn.”

Simone picks up the sales pitch. “Right now Buffy’s trying to cook up some scheme to save Dawn with whoever still cares enough to help her. But I guarantee you, Buffy’s not sure if her plan is going to work.”

“We know our plan will.” I look at them, talking to me in tandem, telling me this ‘well-rehearsed’ plan. Except it’s a plan to upset and hurt the people I care for.

“Dawn’s your girlfriend. So why leave it up to Buffy to save her? Whatever’s building up inside you, hold onto it. And put it to use.”

As much as I hate agreeing with Tank Girl, maybe she’s right. What can Buffy do? We have no Giles, no Willow, no magic. No options. What do we do?

What do I do?

“Are you in?”

Maybe I don’t have to watch this time.

Maybe I don’t have to feel so…

Useless.

I make my decision.

“I’m in.”