“I DID NOT GIVE YOU PERMISSION TO CLOSE!”

I’ve been yelling for five minutes before I notice Aluwyn trying to talk to me, to console me. But I ignore her. I call it to open, once, twice more and still nothing.

The way to Earth is blocked to me again.

As my teacher slithers over to me, her arms extended, I can hear her voice. It’s not my fault. There’s not enough magic on Earth for me to anchor myself to.

Just WHO the Hell does she think I am?

This is unacceptable!

I swing the Scythe again, calling the incantation. Nothing. Feeling futile, and feeling the intense desire to smack something in the mouth, I try yelling again. This cannot be.

“I am the greatest witch of my age. And this is the Slayer’s Scythe! I’ve come too far. Worked too hard.”

Again, I swing through the air, willing the portal to open, a spark, a crackle – I’ll take a sliver…

“Open.”

“Open!”

“OPEN!”

It works. Portals open to dimensions full of beauty. Worlds unimaginable, with life so versatile and different and unique… but none of them lead to Earth. Aluwyn comes next to me now.

“I understand you’re upset. But it would be very nice if you didn’t cause all of reality to collapse in on itself.”

She’s not joking. Any more and I may start to inflict damage to reality that I can’t repair. That no one can. But how do I explain to her how I feel?

I find a sentence that fits. I say it to her clearly, so she understands my commitment.

“My reality has collapsed. I came here to bring magic back to my world.”

Suddenly, Marrak snatches the Scythe from me. I didn’t see that coming, He sounds angry as he talks. Upset, I guess. He can’t go home either.

“Screaming and pitching fits. Just like a woman. You have to focus your rage. Teach the universe who is boss. Give me that… I’ll show you.”

He’s a teeny heavy-handed, but Aluwyn isn’t putting up with it. He pushed his luck with the woman statement.

“You dare?” My snake-lady yells at him. Marrak yells in pain as the Scythe drops from his burned hand.

“Stupid chaos whore!” he throws back at her.

Really shouldn’t have said that!

Does he honestly think that helps?

“You think I don’t see through you? You think…”

Aluwyn yells and several of the Coven behind her start to power up. She’s not amused. “I think your presence profanes this sacred place. Get out!” She’s not asking, she’s telling, and the Coven behind her scream some of the classics at the troll:

“Begone!”

“Away!”

“Exile!”

With that Marrak the ‘Not-so-Okay’ is physically kicked out of the Witches’ Paradise. As he lands in a heap, back in the barren desert where Aluwyn first found us, she orders him, threatening him with violence if he ever dares to return (and she’s damn hot doing it).

Not too much later, the other coven members have all left the square, leaving just Aluwyn and I in the night air. She sets a fire in the centre of the seating area, and I stand by the flames to get warm, even though I’m not feeling cold. Aluwyn is talking to me, but I only catch bits of what she’s saying to me. I feel bereaved almost.

This feels like Hell.

“I’m sorry. I tried similar spells, and for many months I tried to reach you, but with the same results. I should have told you, but I knew you had to learn it for yourself. All I can do now is give you comfort.”

She comes over to my side as I sit down, the fire just in front of me. “That’s the strength of the coven. Joining together heals all wounds. Even the spirit.”

I look straight at her. I must look angry, because I sound angry. I was going for ‘mildly irritated’. “My world’s rotting without magic. My friends…”

“I just can’t give up.”

“Of course not,” Aluwyn now places her hand on my shoulder, reassuring me. For a cold-blooded creature, how can she be so… warm?

“We have the greatest collection of witches, ever assembled, from every corner of the myriad realms. We’ll work together, find a way. It will take time. It will not be easy. But one day, you will return to your home.”

She wraps me up in a blanket and lays me down. “What if I can’t?” I whisper in her ear as she nestles beside me.

“Then you’ll mourn. And I will comfort you.” She tucks me in, and I can feel myself dozing by the time she’s less than a metre away. I’m nearly asleep, wrapped in heat and sorrow. Aluwyn’s voice drifts past me – soft, maybe too soft. Something in it curls around my spine. It sounds like comfort.

It feels like warning.

“And in time the pain will stop. Sooner than you think.”

When the light has appeared and I’m rested, I visit some of the other witches in the Paradise. There’s so many here. The Poison Ivy lookalike has joined me, as well as a witch who has gills on the side of her face. She’s exquisite. Nature is so magically designed, it never ceases to astound.

Another looks more demon than witch, horns in her forehead, jet black hair, like an evil sorceress from a Disney movie from the 1980’s. But when she speaks, it’s like spring time, the total opposite of what you would expect. She has something to show me, and I’m all ears.

“I have named it the Great Heart,” she says, with a tone of royalty. “Perhaps it holds the power you seek?”

I stare at the ‘Heart’, and see my reflection look back at me. It’s shiny and tall and, okay, totally bigger than me, but still…

“Now that’s a rock.”

“No. It’s a Goddess Gem.”

I can’t help but giggle.

“Sorry. Terra firma humour. What does it do, besides sparkle enticingly?”

The amphibian with gills comes over to me to explain. She sounds rather like she’s swallowed soap. She explains that sometimes those who meditate by the shiny bauble receive visions from the Heart. Spring-time Goth Witch tells me that some have spoken to long dead friends and lovers through it. Or have been shown their true path in life.

“Sign me up for all the above,” I quip and turn to move towards it. As I extend my hand, I’m told not to touch the rock as it may incinerate me.

Deciding against a summer tan, I back away. It’s then I’m told that I should just look into the light.

It can’t honestly be that simple, but I go along with it, opening my eyes and staring at the shiny surface. The sun glares in it back at me, until I realise there’s no sun.

The light is generated from inside the Heart somehow, filling my thoughts.

“It’s not just light. I can feel it. Bright as the sun. But I don’t have to squint. I can… see… something.”

I don’t open my eyes, but I can see it in front of me – in my mind. A barren landscape, a rocky terrain, a burnt orange sky. Is this what happens to the Earth if I fail?

I shake that thought as I notice movement. There’s someone out there, somewhere in the wilderness. I can’t make him out, but I’m getting impressions. He reads like he’s my teacher or a mentor or something. I focus. I think of Giles, hoping for some miracle.

And then I see Marrak? The only thing he’s taught me is how to piss off entire dimensions! I don’t understand. What could I possibly learn from Marrak? All he’s doing is complaining as he walks. But where is he going? Leave him eat his nightmare bird in peace…

And then I’m back in the square with the coven, back in the Paradise. The witch next to me says that the Heart can sometimes be fickle and sometimes false, but I have no idea what I’m supposed to have gained from that! The finale of The Sopranos was more satisfying!

The amphibian reaches for me. “Take my hand,” she says. “Every journey begins with a first step.”

She takes me to a pool of the crystal clear water. I change into a robe which is identical to hers. It’s stretchy and soft, and I consider it one of the best articles of clothing ever – until I learn it’s made from the bladder of a giant pufferfish. I ask if I should get the Scythe, but she tells me no, beckoning me into the pool.

She extends her hands to either side of my head. It’s a little quick and a little close. I instantly make a joke to cover my boundary issues.

“I’m all for connecting, but I’m a one-woman woman. When I’m not screwing up.” But that’s not it. She’s enchanted me.

I feel my pupils dilate and my eyelids change. I can feel my irises change shape and my eyes grow wider. As she pulls away, I notice there are gills on my neck now. She’s enchanted me so I can breathe underwater. She tells me, in between flirting, that it’s only a temporary thing and that I don’t have much time. She dives under the surface, calling me to follow.

Now, I’ve never been a strong swimmer. I lived in California for years and can count the number of times I went to the beach (twice) when we lived in Sunnydale. There was also that time that Jesse and Xander ducked me under in fourth grade, which put me off water for life.

But underneath the surface, I can’t help but be awe-struck. You cannot imagine it. It’s amazing, like the submarine ride at Disneyland, if it were in Imax.

I realise I’m talking. Underwater.

Magic.

My guide agrees with me on the beauty around us. There’s a sense of longing in her voice, so I ask her if she misses life under the sea. She shakes her head, a funny thing to see underwater. “Not at all. It seems like a life lived by someone else. Or a dream of one.”

I tell her that I know the feeling. I feel like parts of my old life are disappearing. But I remember Buffy and Xander and Spike and Andrew…

My words are interrupted, not by my guide, but by the view.

In front of us, there’s what appears to be a large underwater plant of some kind, big and purple, with tendrils coming off it. Like one of the squishy things you find in fish tanks. I can hear voices inside, but there’s no inside to be! The guide tells me that only Aluwyn knows of this and she insists that I touch it.

The closer I get to one of the tendrils, the louder the voices become. I can almost make them out.

And then I make contact.

Only I can hear it. And only it can hear me. I see the great tree of life, and a compass. The sign of femininity… a dragon eating it’s tail. A yin to a yang.

“Ah. Oh, yes I…”

“ “

“It’s so much, all at once, to understand…”

“ “

“No, not everything. You’re right. It’s nothing so cosmic. I don’t understand the universe but I feel where I belong in it, and that’s several places at once.”

“ “

“Well, yes, of course I know there’s good in everything. And evil, too. You need one to give the other meaning. I don’t mean to be rude, but that’s kind of a cliché.”

“ “

“No, you’re right… Not when you see it like this. You’re saying my dark side… and who?”

“ “

“Wait! Will I remember this when it’s over?”

“ “

“Impressions? How is that fair? Please, if I could just understand everything the way I do now, I could make it all…”

“And then it just stopped.”

I’m back now, sitting in a coven circle around the fire, newly relit as the stars come out above the trees in a clear, diamond sky. The others, including Aluwyn, are gathered around me.

“It just left me with that feeling like when you figure out something brilliant and profound in a dream, but you wake up and all you remember is that you knew this amazing thing and now it’s just out of reach.”

The Goth-Witch, who still hasn’t told me her name, tells me she’s sorry that I didn’t find anything, but that’s not true, I tell her.

“For a moment, I saw all of existence and my place in it. And I wouldn’t trade that for anything.” I look around at them all, so powerful. “I also found a group of amazing women who tried everything to help me. That’s worth whatever I went through to get here.”

Aluwyn sneaks up behind me. She tells me that there is much they can teach me. Such as their drinking songs. I must look weary as she hands me a full glass.

I’m not the best drinker. Unless it’s lite?

“The best part?” she says with a sexy smirk, “Magic wine. No hangover.”

I smile at her and take the glass. “Now this is paradise.”

Aluwyn looks at me, a little more serious now. She tells me that they are all there for me, in any way. Most of them, like me, came looking for answers to something. None of them found exactly what they were looking for, she explains, but they found something more important: a community.

A circle. A home. A place to belong.

A life.

A family.

I think of Oz and Bay and little Kelden.

“As long as you wish it, we will try to help you with your quest. But whenever you choose… whenever it feels right… we would love for you to stay, if you would have us.” There’s cheers of agreement around the circle.

I turn slowly to her. “I think I would like that.” I hesitate, but maybe it’s for the best. “But I’m not quite ready to give up yet.”

They raise a toast to my answer. And I vow, in that moment, to at least try and be happy.

Exploring this new realm in which I find myself becomes my first priority. To study the way the magical currents move. This world has an ocean at it’s centre.

A deep core of mystery, wonder and revelation. I’m sure there’s some grand metaphor I could make about magic, or womanhood, or something equally poetic. But, right now, as I’m literally walking on the surface of the water, all I can think about is how adorable this little flying octopus is!

I see more and try to catch up with them as they bounce out and back into water, like dolphins. Dozens of them, little octopi, all flying!

Want, want want. I try to catch one. I thought of the best name (Mr. Octopus Fantasticus!), but they don’t seem keen and seem to bounce across the water like pebbles now, trying to get away from the crazy hysterical human!

After all there’s nothing here that can hurt them!

Suddenly, I’m grabbed from behind by something strong, a grip around my waist. ‘Giant flying octopi!’ briefly goes through my mind, but then I hear that husky, hissing tone. She calls it a “sexy sea-serpent attack” – but quite frankly, Aluwyn scared the crap out of me! And turned all of my mermaid fantasies into shark movies!

She tells me that she didn’t want me to be alone and maudlin, but I tell her I was having fun with the octopi, that have conveniently scarpered. Which is remarkable when you think they have no legs.

Yes, I feel sad. I tell her that my friends still need me. At least that’s what I keep telling myself. The truth is, when I think about it now, they seemed to be doing fine without me. I’m the one who was falling apart.

Without magic, I’m back to being a part-time hacker, part hostage, while the super peeps kick evil’s butt.

I was so convinced the world was missing something.

But maybe… maybe, it’s just me.

“I feel at peace here,” I tell my lover. “So whole. That wasn’t always true back home. Being sorceress-supreme put a lot of unwonderful people in my path, which sometimes brought out the worst in me. But since I’ve been here, I haven’t felt like that once. Giving up would be like…”

“Losing control?” She finishes my sentence. She moves closer to me as I spot more of the octopi, Aero-cephs, Aluwyn called them. I avoid her and follow them, slowly. “I know you associate that with your dark side, but wasn’t she an attempt at total control? That’s not true magic. By it’s very nature, magic is unpredictable. We can’t always choose our path, but that doesn’t mean we’re not heading in the right direction.”

As she talks, I realise she’s right. My path led me to her. But I get distracted as the octopi start burrowing into something just under the surface of the water. I’m curious what they’re doing, but then Aluwyn whispers “Oh No” behind me, which is never a good sign.

We watch as a daddy octopus, not so cute, with large yellow eyes emerges from the water.

“That is not cute,” I retort, but the creature looks annoyed – like someone was trying to, you know, steal one of it’s children?

I mean, who would do such a thing?

Aluwyn tells me then that it’s not a daddy creature at all – it’s the little octopi! It splits into several little ones to feed across a wider area. But this one doesn’t want a wider area.

It wants us!

Aluwyn tells me to get the Scythe out – that I’m the warrior witch – but I have another suggestion and grab her hand tightly.

“No. Let’s show it that we’re stronger together too.”

As light sparks out of both our hands, I tell Aluwyn I don’t want to kill the creature – after all, I was the one going all crazy-cat lady with it’s little selves, so Aluwyn suggests that, despite my appearance, we try to make us less appetizing to Mr. Sea Monster.

Time and a place!

Eventually, after pummelling the thing with light bursts, it decides that we’re not worth the effort and quickly scuttles back to where it came from, into the coral, back into the ocean depths. Aluwyn cries out in surprise. “We did it!”

“Of course we did,” I tell her. “We were together.”

Later, we’re sitting against a tree, fire burning, looking up at the stars in the sky. The waves are crashing against the shore, and for a minute, just one, I forget I’m not on Earth. The Saga Vusaki apologises to me for not knowing of the connection between the creature and the little ones, but I shrug it off.

“I should have thanked you sooner for repelling it the way I wanted. Some people would have killed it just for being itself.” She tells me that the other witches have run from the creature before now. We may be the first to have actually confronted it.

“And we kicked slimy butt.” I smile at her, and she takes the hint, coming closer with a grin. “I guess together we’re unstoppable,” I tell her.

“Then let’s not stop,” she says and the flame smoulders in the darkness as she lays me down.

I sleep well. I mean, I’m pretty sure it’s a dream. I’m flying through the air, just me and the clouds.

I check my facts, make sure I’m actually asleep and not awake. I’m flying, which I can do in real life. I have a sense of contentment. Of bliss. I get quite a bit of that usually as well. But the clouds are shaped as attractive ladies, so it’s pretty definitely saying ‘dream’ to me.

And then I hear it.

“Willow!”

It’s a voice, but it sounds like dirt. There’s a hatred underneath, a growl almost. It’s one of the blackbirds, the dream creatures. And then the voice becomes clear. It’s Marrak. He must be speaking through one of the birds? More hidden surprises? Guy’s full of secrets… I try ignoring him, but then he gets personal.

“Willow! I am not a figment of your subconscious, you self-absorbed twit!”

As the blackbird keeps up with my flight, he continues to squawk through the bird. “It’s me. I possessed one of the feral dream birds, and I don’t mind telling you it wasn’t easy or pleasant!”

I look at him with stupid on my face.

“They taste like night sweats and despair,” he grumbles.

I’m more annoyed that he’s in my very peaceful, very calm, very naked dream, and order him out, vile dream-peeper, but he tells me he couldn’t be less interested in things like that.

“Your damned super coven banished me to the waste land. I had no other way of reaching you. But I’ve found something here, ancient signs. They could lead to the font of magic we were looking for. You need to get here now.”

I understand what he’s saying and it does have merit. But I tell him that if it’s ancient then it’s not exactly going anywhere. He can’t understand why I would wait, not when I’ve come this far, But it’s nicer here and calm. I can be what I want.

“Stupid girl,” he hisses, “you’re in an opium den.”

He swoops around me and I fold my arms. It’s only when he begins speaking again do I realise I haven’t moved.

“You’ve studied your own kind, right? You know why witches form covens?”

“Because together we’re a force of nature. We complete each other.”

“Spare me the women’s studies crap. You’re a hive where everyone’s queen. It feels great, like a hit of your favourite drug, because that’s what it is.”

“I am not abusing magic.” I’m getting angry now. Damn troll.

“You don’t have to. There’s so much flying around, you keep each other doped around the clock. A self-sustaining high.”

I see images around me now, in what is now dark, gloomy sky. Buffy, Xander, Angel, Faith…

“Remember them? The people you said needed your help? The planet that was supposedly dying? Seems like that’s the dream, doesn’t it? A dim memory. They used to be so important, but now… screw ’em. You got what was really important. What you really came for.”

At that point, enough is enough and I cast a quick spell to expel him from my dreamscape. As my blast hits him, he squawks one final cry at me.

“It’s not a dream! It’s a stupor! They’ve got their hooks in you and they’ll never let go!”

“You’re lying!” I scream as he starts to fade. “You’re just jealous because I have what you want! You’re…”

Just like that, I’m awake with a start.

I immediately look over at Aluwyn, asleep on the ground, The Scythe is on the ground next to me, safe. “He was lying,” I say aloud as I sit back down. I look into the Scythe, all pristine again.

He was lying.

It’s all a lie.